For the first time

I have never been one of those girls who has thought highly of herself. I have always struggled with my self esteem, well lack thereof. But suddenly, for the first time in my life I actually feel smart and attractive. Odd, as I'm going through a separation, my work schedule is non existent, his family and friends hate me due to their butting into a situation they don't understand...but I suddenly have confidence. It's a very weird feeling.

Speaking of weird feelings, I also have found some happiness, so much happiness that my face was actually hurting from smiling so much! (Before those of you who know my situation go off the deep end, you don't know the whole thing and what arrangements/agreements have been worked out, I am not doing anything in "secret" or that is not allowed!) Things are going in a good direction where happiness could be a very real possibility :-) it's been a very long time since I have felt such joy.

My Rainbow Looming is going well, I was contacted by a publisher who was interested  in my design. So far they really like one of my designs and have contacted me to make 2 more! It's pretty exciting, plus it gives me something to do as  I don't have much for real work. Best part is they pay me for the designs!!

I learned an important new skill today, how to use a sight on a gun! So it was a silly electronic gun for a game, but the concept is the same. For the first time ever I got a perfect score in a shooting game! Maybe one of these days I will learn to shoot the real thing!

So yeah, all of these positive things, are really helping me to stay happy and positive through what could be a very difficult time. I'm just hoping the work life will follow suite!

Hindsight is 20/20

Some of you may have figured out that I am having some marriage trouble. I don't know if trouble is the word, as we aren't fighting, or not getting along....it's complicated, but basically comes down to my lack of romantic feelings. It's not fair to him. It's not fair to me. It's just not fair. I always thought marriage was supposed to be forever, till death do you part. Not this time unfortunately. Back when we got married, I had doubts, and wish I had listened to them rather than hurting him. We are better off as just friends. Right now we are living as roommates. It's working ok for the most part. I am so thankful that he is probably one of the nicest guys I know, where as I should be living in my car during this polar vortex for being such a terrible wife, he is still kind to me. I don't deserve it, but he deserves so much better. I hope he can find someone who will treat him with the same love and respect and kindness that he possesses. Any girl would be very lucky to have him as a husband.

So yeah, that kinda sucks, but needs to be done as my goal this year is to find happiness. As I have been, I am continuing to work to get myself in a better financial position. I have FINALLY seriously cut back on impulsive spending to almost nothing. You have no idea what a huge step that is for me. Money no longer burns a hole in my pocket, and I think about my purchases, often carrying them around the store until I convince myself that I do not need it. I guess the impending separation helps as I don't want to have any more stuff to move when the time comes! Bad reason, but hey, it gets the job done and breaks the habit.

I thought I had enough to deal with with this whole situation. But no, things pile on. I knew there was a new pick at work (drivers choose the schedules they want based on pre determined schedules set by management). New picks are always stressful. Things get swapped around. But this time it seems they are trying to force out the part timers. I am in the middle of the seniority for part time, I've only been there for 2 years. There are only a few open shifts left for part timers. It sucks as the more senior drivers will get those. I am still just a temp employee at the school bus company, so I have no guarantee of work. Of course, they email and as me to come in to direct traffic. Those of you from my past job know just how much I love working the corner and wearing a fluorescent yellow vest....but I have to say yes, and do the work with a smile because I really really really want to get full time there and want to prove I am an excellent employee that is flexible.

Brrrrrrr, the Polar Vortex is here

I'm so desperate to get my finances in order, I have even applied to another school bus company in hopes they can hire me on a temporary basis. I'm not sure it will work out as it's in another state plus I already technically have 2 jobs, but I figure it's worth a shot.

Speaking of finding happiness....I am lucky though, just as things were falling apart a friend of mine became closer. He keeps me laughing and smiling and takes my mind off of everything else. I can talk to him about anything and everything. It's a nice bright part of my day. I am hoping that things will work out. (Just for the record, this friendship has nothing at all to do with the decline of the marriage, that was happening before this friendship progressed!)


I need to just be patient and not rush into any major decisions. I need to just take each day as it comes and let things fall into place as they were meant to be. It's so much easier to sit here and type that than it is to actually follow it in real life, but I have to try! I really hope to find happiness this year and get on living my life as a better, happier person.