Turkey and Savings

Well, it's that time of year again; the obligatory "What am I thankful for?" blog post.

This year it is very hard to find reasons to be thankful. I mean, I am thankful for my two cats (well, most of the time...although if it weren't for them, I probably wouldn't be here to type this.....) and I'm very thankful for my boyfriend who puts up with me. Poor guy.

As far as health goes, that has been a mess. I know I should be grateful I don't have something worse, but at this point, maybe something worse wouldn't be so bad if it either ended my suffering, or was treatable so I could enjoy life again instead of just existing most days. Don't get me wrong, there are fun, happy days where I feel slightly better than my "normal"...but they are few and far between.

I lost my job that I loved. I was finally in a good district. I loved the buses, and the kids, and my coworkers were generally ok. But my health caught up to me and ended it. Now, I can't even sit up at a desk for more than a few minutes without a lot of pain. I tried, and failed. Driving was what I really enjoyed, but even a non-commercial job isn't an option because there are too many days I would not be safe, and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone.

So I sit here. I am slowly selling off my possessions on eBay to be able to afford just to keep my car insured, but it's going to need tires, and at over $100 a piece...ouch. Why do I always pick vehicles with stupid tire sizes?

My Black Friday this year, usually my favorite day of the year, involves finding the best deal for toilet paper, batteries, and cat litter. Exciting.  :-( I would much rather be shopping for fun things, like a new wifi DVD/BluRay Player, or a sound bar, or a new laptop, or plastic ponies... cause there are certainly some nice deals out there. But nope. Boring household products is it. Ugh. Oh yeah, we need a new microwave too. Because I guess a year and a half is old enough for them to just die suddenly.

I guess at least a tree hasn't come through the house yet like last year....

Temporary Hiatus

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much. Unfortunately, all this medical stuff is catching up with me and making even everyday tasks challenging. I have been on what seems to be a steady decline for the past year or so.

Turns out I have a bulging disc in my neck, which makes is very painful to sit for more than a short time (like 15 minutes...) especially to type on a computer, so blogging regularly has been kind of out of the question. I attempted physical therapy, but even they are at a loss of what to do with me. The medications the doctors tried seem to have no effect, I get better results from a combo of Tylenol/Advil. Unfortunately, my insurance doesn't like to cover medications either, so it really limits what the doctors are able to do for me.

It just sucks being "30" and being unable to do much of anything. I hate being a burden. I hate not having the energy to do even normal activities. I try to do things, but it just wipes me out so much it takes the next day to recover. I hate being broke all the time. This is not the sort of life I imagined myself living.

Everybody hurts, don't they?

I'm talking physical pain here, not mental anguish or anything like that. 

Seriously, up until a couple weeks ago, I thought that it was completely normal to wake up in the morning stiff and sore and with at least one body part hurting. I can't blame my mattress, I have one of those fancy memory foam ones that is supposed to take away pain, not cause it. It's not a cheap one either.

For as long as I can remember, I have physically hurt in some way or another. I wake up with a lot of muscle soreness and often a feeling of weakness, like when you overdo it or do something that uses new muscles, yet I don't do anything different usually to cause it. Getting out of bed I am like a Rice Krispie, snap, crackle, pop!

I always thought pain was just a part of life, that everybody hurts on a daily basis. That everybody hurts when they have to stand for more than a few minutes, regardless of their shoe style. That everyone hurts sitting at a desk. But I guess I was tragically mistaken.

I recently found out that it is not normal for everyone to hurt all the time, or while doing daily activities of life. Really? I would love to know what that feels like, to not be in pain. Right now as I type this, there is a pulling pain in my neck, my hips are sore from sitting (I've been on the reclining sofa for about 1/2 hour),  my eyes are itchy, and I'm struggling to keep my eyes open...this is completely normal for me. Everyday is like this. No matter what I do. God forbid I do something different like go to an event with a lot of walking, demo ride a motorcycle, or go horseback riding or anything like that I may enjoy, by bedtime I am so incredibly stiff I can't move a muscle without pain! The next morning, forget about it, I am in near agony. I still try and do things I enjoy even though I will pay for it later as I don't want to miss out on too much of life.

Over the years, I tried to ignore it, putting it off as normal aches and pains of living. Once in a while something would be unusually sore, but there was often a reasonable explanation, like doing a new activity that may use different muscles. But recently, things have been unusually sore without a reasonable explanation. I just wake up hurting. There is a legitimate cause for the neck/shoulder/upper back pain due to a bulging disc in my cervical spine. However, the rest remains a mystery. There is no reason for me to be sore and hurting daily. I'm only 30 for goodness sake!

I haven't even mentioned the sudden, random, stabbing pain that comes out of no where and can strike any part of my body. It is a sharp burning radiating sort of pain that lasts anywhere from seconds to minutes. Then it goes away just as quickly as it came.

I guess my epiphany came when I asked my boyfriend, who is several (well, a few more than several) years older than me about how he feels on a daily basis. He is a very hard working diesel mechanic who is always on his feet on a concrete floor, and he does not have any pain from it. If I visit him and stand on that floor for a few minutes, the pain and pressure in my feet and legs is extremely uncomfortable, I always find a place to sit down. I can wear sneakers, work boots, Toms, doesn't matter, same results.

I just wish I could know what it feels like to wake up refreshed, pain free, and ready to start the day.

Unplugged

Purple Dot is about where we live, 

Blue Dot is Pittsburg.

I was very lucky to be able to getaway for a perfect, unplugged 4th of July weekend. Yes, I realize it is now 10 days later....but better late than never I guess?

My boyfriend and I literally got away from it all. We went up to Pittsburg, NH. For those of you not familiar with New Hampshire, Pittsburg it at the very top of the state, about 200 miles from where we live, and right at the Canadian border.

There is almost no cell service, and very few wifi spots. I was worried about that at first, as I am ALWAYS on either Facebook or Instagram if I am not doing anything else. But you know what? I didn't miss it. Not even for a minute. Spending time with the one I love was so much more fun!

We stayed at a cute little motel/cabin place called The Buck Rub Pub. The room was very nice, loved the country cabin look! My only complaint was the awful water, they definitely needed a water softener!   The restaurant was delicious too and excellent, friendly staff! So nice to have that right there within walking distance, plus you got a discount off food if you were staying in the cabins.

Rouger trail, so fun!

So what do you do to spend your days in the middle of no where? Drive around! Well, there are TONS of ATV trails, and hiking, and the lakes; we don't have ATVs, I can't hike very long, and it was chilly to be in the water! We went exploring. There are tons of very well kept dirt logging roads (which were actually smoother than many paved back roads....). The scenic vistas you come across are absolutely breathtaking! The one in the panoramic image is called "Top of the World" and you literally felt like that standing there. The picture doesn't do the beauty justice.

My favorite part of of the trip was seeing a moose!!!! My boyfriend's son has a camper in Pittsburg and he told us that he would often see moose around 2-5 in the afternoon, so we headed up Moose Alley. Before we got too far, we saw a car pulled over on the side of the road in front of an opening. And there it was. A GORGEOUS moose in the flesh! I took a ton of photos!

You can see an entire album with more scenic vistas, moose pics, etc here.

The sandpit.
A sturdy backstop is important

Another fun activity to do is go shooting. Yes, as in a real gun. There are these amazing sand pits where everyone goes to shoot. The best one was taken, of course, but this one worked fine. I had never been before. I have always been afraid of the recoil and the noise. But I decided to suck it up and try. My boyfriend is a nearly 20 year veteran of teaching hunter safety in NH, so he is the perfect instructor. He brought a .22 caliber rifle which is just the right size to learn on. To me it's the right size period lol. Even that comparatively "tiny" bullet has deadly force, so why do I need anything more? I couldn't believe how heavy it was, although I probably should say I can't believe how weak I am...5 shots was about my limit before taking a break!  I started with paper targets, but then we quickly moved on to the fun stuff! I had been saving water and soda bottles which I then filled with water. It was fun shooting at the bottles. I did ok, I actually hit them, as you can see in the pic I posted. )

Bullet hole and festive nails!

After we were done, we were responsible adults and picked up all of our trash. Luckily it seems most people do, but I did see the remnants of a laptop...how fun would that be? Go all Office Space on an old computer?! The cleanup would totally be worth the satisfaction of murdering technology!

Speaking of technology, the only time I bothered to even look on my phone was while he was in the shower as we had just enough 3G signal. It felt so good to be unplugged.

 Oh yeah, on the way home, we saw ANOTHER MOOSE!!!!!!!! The perfect ending to a perfect trip!

Stress, stress, and more stress

Due to losing my job for medical reasons I'm having a very hard time finding something that I can safely commit to as far as a new job. Ideally, I need a work at home job, or a very part time office job very close to home.  Although I am trying to work with vocational rehab (helps people who can no longer work in their field of expertise find new work), it is an extremely slow process. I have to have a neuropsych evaluation to see what I can actually do, but that was over a month wait to get an appointment. Ugh.

I am not usually the type of person to stress out. Stressing out really doesn't accomplish anything except making you feel worse. But when it comes to finances, I stress. Big time. I have contacted my credit card companies to try and work with them as far as attempting to pay my bills, however because I don't have a steady source of income, they won't talk or do anything to help. It's awful. I have worked so hard to always pay my bills on time, and now, that is physically impossible. I am literally draining my accounts to be able to keep my car one more month. I am so lost as to what to do. The fact the banks won't even accept partial payment is beyond me! They want all or nothing. It's ridiculous! I hate how everything has turned into huge corporations with no heart. I'm sure if it was a small local establishment, they would see my history of excellent, timely payments and understand that things happen.

On a happier note, I get to go on a mini vacation with my boyfriend. Nothing fancy, but it will be a welcome break from all this. For once, I will be unplugged from social media for a few days and focusing on enjoying quality time with my boyfriend and exploring this beautiful state we live in. Hopefully I can forget about my troubles and just enjoy life for a few days.

Day in the Life: Idiopathic Hypersomnia and Dizziness

I wanted to share with you what it is like to try and live with Idiopathic Hypersomnia and dizziness during a typical weekday day for me. Right now, I am unemployed and trying to figure out my future. I do have some medical evaluations that I am desperately hoping will help determine why the heck I am so dizzy, and determine exactly how severe my daily life is affected. 

How I describe what it feels like to have IH is to compare it to taking a sleeping pill or drowsy medication or stay up for over 24 hours and try to function. Add in the fact I often feel like the room is tipping to one side or the other, or often when I stand up I get lightheaded, often to the point of "blacking out" and losing my vision for a second, or just to the brink of that point. If I look around too much or at things that are moving, things start tipping. Although my heart has checked out ok so far, I have a rapid resting heart rate, and it skyrockets easily and often feels like it is pounding.  

More days than not I am dizzy. Sometimes lightheaded (like feeling like you are going to pass out), sometimes vertigo. I try to still get things done. Most days I don't want to drive. Unless I have an appointment I have to attend, I get nervous about driving just because I am dizzy or I just can't keep my eyes open anymore, at the same time I have struggled for years, so I know I am not actually a danger, and in my own car I can easily pull over. It's to the point 1/2 hour is intimidating, and an hour is very nerve-wracking. I just don't want to make a bad choice and hurt someone. Even going to the store has become a problem, just looking around shopping will make my dizziness intensify. Looking around makes me feel like the world is spinning very fast. I can easily become unbalanced and feel like I will tip over. I avoid aisles with fragile items, especially in antique shops. Forget about stair cases, especially ones that are open in a tight space. But if I am out and about, I try to get everything done in that one trip so I won't have to go at another time. 

Somedays, like today, I even have trouble focusing, not only my eyes focusing on the page, but my brain focusing on the task at hand. I forget why I went into a room, so I leave, remember,  go back to the room only to forget again!! I'll look up the date, sign a paper, then have to look the date up again for next sheet! From what I have read, it is called "brain fog" and is part of having IH. As I said, you can describe IH as how you feel if you stay up 24-48 hours in a row. I have never been drunk, but the slowed reaction times and forgetfulness and all can probably be compared to that as well. 

MY DAY

Between 7:00AM and 8:00AM- "Wake up" well, that's what is supposed to happen for most people. My eyes will open and I will be in a semi alert state. I sync my Fitbit Charge HR to see how I slept. Sometimes, I end up falling back asleep while it is doing that. Then I check my Timehop, Instagram feed, email, and Facebook, once again, sometimes falling back asleep. It is incredibly hard to keep my eyes open.  I am just as tired, if not moreso in the morning after a decent night's sleep as I am when I go to bed. I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be refreshed when I wake up. It has never happened in my entire life. Ever. 

I have had two overnight sleep studies, both showing absolutely no reason for me to not be rested. No apnea, no excessive movement. Nothing. Just a basically normal sleep pattern. 

9:00AM- To try and stay in a "healthy" routine, I force myself out of bed. I get up, make my iced coffee and take my medicine, which is a handful of vitamins, one I am deficient in, and several others that are supposed to help with energy and two prescriptions, one to try and make me happy, one to try and keep me awake for the day. Usually I sit down on the computer. Do a little job searching, follow up with any email, things like that while I have my coffee and let the wake-up meds kick in. 

10:00AM- Noon- I try to get on with the day and do something productive.   A couple weeks ago I was full out making model horse props in preparation for my first vendor experience (I will go into more detail in another post about that hobby of mine I'm trying to turn into a successful "business".) Yesterday I worked on a commission T-Shirt design for a friend (which btw came out great!). Somedays it's just chores around the house. I'm very slowly learning how to be a better housemate. Sadly, it took making a chore chart for myself and forcing myself to pay more attention to my surroundings. I have an awful tendency to not notice things until they become glaringly obvious, like chunks of cat fur on the carpet...or the strainer full of clean, dry dishes. 

Noonish: Lunch time. Usually a short text conversation with the boyfriend. The hardest thing is trying to decide what to eat. These days as I don't do a whole lot, I'm usually not hungry, but if I don't eat I will feel even worse. I will either turn into a super mega crazy bitch or become extremely weak and dizzy. 

1:00-4:00PM - I try to continue to do something productive, chores, work on my Etsy shop inventory,  do something, anything. My thought is if I can try to stay busy then maybe my symptoms won't be so noticeable. Nope. No such luck. Sometimes I just can't, especially when the dizziness is bad. I have to give up and sit on the couch and try to watch TV. By 3:00PM I am usually struggling to keep my eyes open. I try not to give in as if I were to take a nap, I just feel worse afterwards. Other times, I just have to close my eyes if I have any hope of continuing the day. I can at least reset the severe desire to close my eyes. 

4:00PM - 6:00PM - By now, the boyfriend is usually home. I am trying to be more open to leaving the house and going for a motorcycle ride (as a passenger!) or doing basically anything besides sitting on the couch and watching mindless TV. He is just not that kind of guy, and I don't blame him. But I have to struggle to do anything. At this point, all I feel like doing is laying down and sleeping. I am trying though, and I notice we are closer and happier. He shouldn't have to suffer from my condition as well and miss out on living. Luckily he does understand I have no control over how I am feeling, and has been really great as the severity has increased in the past year. 

6:00 to 8:00 PM - Usually my best time if I get to have a break from my symptoms. Happens maybe twice a week. The dizziness will subside, and I won't be falling asleep. It doesn't last long or happen too often, so it's a nice break. I guess it is closer to how a "normal" person feels? 

8:00-10:00 PM- Right back to the normal dizzy/sleepy feeling. Watching TV then it's bedtime. I usually have no trouble falling right to sleep. 

Then it's morning and the whole cycle of misery starts over again. 

I'll cry if I want to...

Some say turning 30 is a big deal. It's the start of a new decade of your life. You have officially been an adult for 10 years. I fail to see the significance. Age is just a number to me. It means nothing. Supposedly these are the best years of my life.

Part of my life is going great. I have an amazing boyfriend who always makes me laugh even when I don't want to and has been extremely supportive throughout this awful time in my life. We have a beautiful little mobile home that we are slowly making our own. I wouldn't trade him or our life together for anything.

The rest of my life is not, and runs the risk of jeopardizing the only thing going well. He deserves so much better, someone who can keep up.

Ninety nine point nine percent of mornings when I wake up, I feel like crap. The Idiopathic Hypersomnia causes me to never feel rested, no matter how I much or how long I sleep. I get dizzy randomly for no apparent reason. Don't even get me started with my digestive system. If I don't eat regularly, I get either crazy angry or weak and shaky. Everyone else I know has no problem if they skip a meal once in a while. Of course, when I go to the doctor, all my test results are normal. I even made a real effort to start exercising. No improvement. On paper I am technically healthy, so why the *explicative* don't I feel it?

I am terrified as I feel so awful all the time that I will never be able to enjoy life; that feeling so awful day in and day out will never improve. I was hoping finally getting a diagnosis would help get me back on track, but the medication causes just as many problems as it solves. Is it better to be tired and sleepy all the time or dizzy and anxious?  I can't live with either of those. I want to function.

I'm trying to find a job. I want to be able to pay off my debt, contribute my share to the household, and be a productive member of society. I don't want to be a leech. The job search is going awful. There are plenty of local jobs I've applied to, but they always want someone with experience. Who's going to hire someone who used to drive a school bus and had to stop because they have a medical condition?

I just want to have more days where I feel good than days I feel bad. Is that really too much to ask? I can't keep going on like this. I don't know what to do anymore. Lately all I feel like doing is crying, but that won't solve anything either.

:'(

2014

So I'm a couple days late on my 2014 wrap up....but oh well. Not sure anyone actually reads my blog anyways!

2014 was a good year and a bad year. It was a great year as far as love goes, which is the most important thing! However medically, not so good. I've struggled with extreme exhaustion. For 2015 I'm looking for answers! There is no reason for a 29 year old to be falling asleep at inappropriate times, like riding on the back of a motorcycle.

The biggest thing that happened this year was moving into our little mobile home! It is my first house, so that was very exciting. I think my favorite part is being able to customize everything to be how we want. Our living room was the first project as it was just primer white when we moved in. We picked a pretty slate blue. The next project was the bathroom. First thing to go was the awful fake gold knobs and fixtures. Then we removed the old lady pink floral wallpaper (bleh!) and painted a nice shade of green on the walls, one shade darker than the to-be bedroom color. We are going for a country cabin outdoor theme.

The most fun this year was going on motorcycle demo rides! I sold my Vespa at the beginning of the season due to the aforementioned medical issues. I did have a couple days where i felt better and was able to test ride 4 models of Harley Davidsons (Sportster, TriGlide, Softail Slim, Softail Heritage), and 2 Indian motorcycles. I fell in love with the Indian Scout. It was the perfect fit for me in both size and power, plus the price is somewhat reasonable.

My boyfriend and I had a blast touring around NH and parts of ME on his motorcycle. We got to see a lot of beautiful scenery and eat a lot of ice cream. The weather actually cooperated without it being too hot or too wet on the weekends so we went out almost every one!

As far as what 2015 will bring? I'm not sure. I am hoping for financial relief. I am going to work harder to pay off my debts so I can be in a better position to maybe upgrade my car and buy a motorcycle. Sad thing is if I didn't have self-inflicted stupid debt (credit cards, student loan) I could easily add that motorcycle and pay for my share of life expenses. Not sure how I'm going to achieve it other than physically cutting up my cards.

Hell has frozen over. I have started going to the gym with my boyfriend....and even scarier....I don't hate it!! Not only is it something to do, but I actually feel better after going. It's only the first week, and I haven't had to work all day before, but so far it's not so bad!

I know the best part will be having my boyfriend by my side. We have so much fun together! Even my cats love him!

My Worst Thanksgiving I Can Remember

Let me start by saying that I know there are people much worse off than what I am considering "my worst Thanksgiving". I am very lucky to have most of a roof over my head (I'll get to that in a minute) and to have my two awesome cats, and to have my boyfriend. However, today is really testing my thankfulness.

It started early this morning, like just before 5:00AM when we were awoken by a huge crash. Last night with the snow we got to learn just how horrifying the sounds of a mobile home are in a wet, heavy snow storm. I mean, these sounds cause me to jump every freaking time. It's crazy! I have been  in metal roofed indoor riding arenas that are less scary than this. Every time it sounded like the roof was caving in! Well, my fear ended up being justified....back to the pre-5AM crash. I didn't think much of it, other than the fact my heart was racing and I couldn't get back to sleep. He got up and checked the living room and picked up the trash can the poor startled kitties knocked over. As I couldn't sleep I figured I'd check on the kitties. I looked all over the house for them, and when I went to look in the spare bedroom at the other end of the house, boom, there it was. A tree branch sticking through the ceiling about 4ish feet into the room. 

Not cool. I tell my boyfriend about it and he starts making phone calls, insurance company, trailer park owner, fire department, roofers. Well, of course it's a holiday so you can't get anyone to come out. The fire department said no as it wasn't an emergency and they had been busy all night. The park owner said no because of the fact the insurance adjuster needed to see it first (which guess who don't work on holidays?). I took a boatload of photographs, inside, outside, in the dark, in the daylight. I want to make sure to document all the damage. I even took a screen shot of his phone trying to call different roofers. Looks like we are stuck for the time being with a tree stabbing our poor house.  Fail. On top of that it's above freezing out so now the snow can melt right into our spare room. 

I am thankful it was our spare room and no kitties were hurt (other than the trauma of the crash...Hobo is still in hiding more time than he is not, poor baby; I think he was in the room when it came through as that is where his favorite bed is). 

 The next fun experience of this Thanksgiving was while we were standing outside discussing what to do next. See the pic with the stairs? Yeah, guess where we were standing when we heard the crack of the branch breaking? Yup, right at the bottom of those stairs! Luckily we took a few steps backwards and avoided any injury besides a blast of snow on my poor laptop. (Luckily no damage). Scary. So at this point, I am scared of trees....not good as we are literally surrounded by them. Wish us luck in convincing the park manager to remove them, maybe the insurance company will help us with that part....

I decide that while he is clearing the snow from the driveway, I would participate in what has become my Thanksgiving morning tradition, getting a cup of coffee and the newspaper with all the Black Friday ads. I usually sit and enjoy my coffee while perusing the deals. Nope. I did get the coffee, but the newspapers had not been delivered to the store yet. They were due at 3:30am, it was after 7am when I went to the store. Fail.

I return home and decide to see what online sales were live. I had my cart all ready for Walmart with the items I wanted to order. Of course they had already sold out of the two main items I wanted (an air compressor and a camoflauge hoodie). Fail. Guess I should have gone online when I couldn't sleep at 5am. Maybe I'll get lucky tomorrow and be able to buy in person. I did have success at Best Buy even though I didn't plan on buying anything there, got a great deal on a Kinda HD Fire Tablet, Case, and screen protector. As I spend so much time at work, I decided an inexpensive tablet would be nice to throw in my bag to keep me entertained. Target was also an online success, got the 2 movies, a sweater dress, and the blanket I had wanted. Yay, maybe my day was turning around.

Nope. I start feeling like crap. My neck hurts, dizzy/nauseous, sleepy. My boyfriend decides to stop by his work to see about plowing. I was originally going to go with him but as I felt awful I figured riding around in the plow truck would suck. 3 hours later, he's still not back and I'm thinking I should figure out how to start dinner...so much for a 5:00 dinner time. Oh well, it's just the 2 of us and the cats which is my favorite way to spend the holidays.

I feel a little better so I head back out the store to see if they have the newspaper in. Victory! I grab my copy. I decided to go for the more local paper. Bad choice. They didn't have the one ad I really wanted (Walgreens), and there were like 3 copies of other ads. I'll stick with the Union Leader from now on. I never had that issue. Disappointing.

I started finishing up my Black Friday list. I double check the coupon/rewards policy for Walgreens. There goes my deals. They make you wait to redeem the rewards from buying certain items. Well, I don't wanna! Oh well, if today is any indicator,  I'm sure none of my deal scenarios will work as they will be sold out of whatever it is I have on my list.

So yeah, this is my worst Thanksgiving I can remember. And I was really hoping our first Thanksgiving would be a nice, special, fun, together sort of day.

Ch Ch Changes

Things have been going very well in the new home. We are starting to make it our own. It's amazing what a coat of paint can do to make a room more homey. What's even cooler is we both picked out the same color without talking about it first, which made it nice and easy!

I have been in a mood to make changes to better my life. I have sold both my little Geo Metro Convertible and my Vespa Scooter. Now I just have my Fiat 500, which will likely be traded in for the automatic transmission version if my local dealer gets one in with the right specs (color!). I want to simplify things.

Since making this move, I have really cut down on a lot of the "stuff" that I had. My craft room really got pared down to mostly essentials, but could do with being pared down even more. That is one thing I am liking about the mobile home life, it's a smaller space, so it kind of forces you to make smarter decisions about what you bring into it. It definitely feels better to not feel like you are drowning in stuff!

I have even been reconsidering my career as a bus driver. I am completely fed up with the transit city buses, there are just too many crazies out there that the job just isn't fun, not to mention the fact the company I work for, I just don't fit in with. Not that fitting in is all that important, I want to go to work, not make friends, but still, I've just always felt like an outsider. However two good things did come out of my job there, one is my wonderful boyfriend, and the other was being able to get my air brake endorsement so I could be hired there.

As far as school buses, I finally am getting the full time job at the one district I want to work for, but I am not sure if I still want to do it. I would like to not have to worry every summer about not having any money and should I look for a part time summer job....However, the school bus driver life fits me fairly well, it is Monday through Friday, no late nights, I have time off mid day to get things done at home most of the time. I do enjoy driving school buses most of the time, which is helpful. I think I got worn out at the end of this school year, so I am not going to make any decisions until later. I'm kinda hoping to find something different for the summer to try out and see if it is something I like.

Home. At last.

Lots of changes have happened since my last post. I am officially divorced. I am now sort of a homeowner. I am truly happy for the first time in a long time.

The biggest change is that I am now home! My boyfriend purchased a beautiful mobile home that we are able to call ours. We haven't even been here a week and it already feels like home. It's been a while since I felt truly home, for some reason the apartment wasn't ever home to me, nothing negative against my ex, he did everything to make it home, it just never was quite right for me. But this house, this adorable little house, is just right. Its perfect for the 2 of us and the 2 cats.

It's amazing how much stuff I had accumulated in the past couple years. My goal was to really cut down what I own. I have learned that the simple life with less "Stuff" is a much better way to live. In the process of packing, I made a large donation of clothes and craft stuff to Goodwill, as well as being able to sell a few things for some spending money. I still had too much stuff which I will continue to pare down as time goes on, but it is a huge improvement from what was.

The house is a 1993 single wide 14' x 70' two bedroom, two bathroom. My cats are loving the 70' worth of runway. They absolutely love charging around full speed from one end to the other end; unfortunately it is usually in the middle of the night and neither one of them is light on their feet!

One of my favorite aspects is having my own washer and dryer! What a change in my attitude towards laundry! Even though they are outdated machines, it is nice to just throw a load in while I do other things, and it washes much faster than the commercial machines!

Another wonderful aspect of this house is the pre-made gardening beds the previous owner had. I can't wait to get some plants and start making the outside look more attractive and colorful.  This park is not the stereotypical park though, I can't believe how nice it is. It's quiet, almost like a 55+ community, clean, well maintained, and so far the people seem nice. I look forward to us making this place even more ours.

Hindsight is 20/20

Some of you may have figured out that I am having some marriage trouble. I don't know if trouble is the word, as we aren't fighting, or not getting along....it's complicated, but basically comes down to my lack of romantic feelings. It's not fair to him. It's not fair to me. It's just not fair. I always thought marriage was supposed to be forever, till death do you part. Not this time unfortunately. Back when we got married, I had doubts, and wish I had listened to them rather than hurting him. We are better off as just friends. Right now we are living as roommates. It's working ok for the most part. I am so thankful that he is probably one of the nicest guys I know, where as I should be living in my car during this polar vortex for being such a terrible wife, he is still kind to me. I don't deserve it, but he deserves so much better. I hope he can find someone who will treat him with the same love and respect and kindness that he possesses. Any girl would be very lucky to have him as a husband.

So yeah, that kinda sucks, but needs to be done as my goal this year is to find happiness. As I have been, I am continuing to work to get myself in a better financial position. I have FINALLY seriously cut back on impulsive spending to almost nothing. You have no idea what a huge step that is for me. Money no longer burns a hole in my pocket, and I think about my purchases, often carrying them around the store until I convince myself that I do not need it. I guess the impending separation helps as I don't want to have any more stuff to move when the time comes! Bad reason, but hey, it gets the job done and breaks the habit.

I thought I had enough to deal with with this whole situation. But no, things pile on. I knew there was a new pick at work (drivers choose the schedules they want based on pre determined schedules set by management). New picks are always stressful. Things get swapped around. But this time it seems they are trying to force out the part timers. I am in the middle of the seniority for part time, I've only been there for 2 years. There are only a few open shifts left for part timers. It sucks as the more senior drivers will get those. I am still just a temp employee at the school bus company, so I have no guarantee of work. Of course, they email and as me to come in to direct traffic. Those of you from my past job know just how much I love working the corner and wearing a fluorescent yellow vest....but I have to say yes, and do the work with a smile because I really really really want to get full time there and want to prove I am an excellent employee that is flexible.

Brrrrrrr, the Polar Vortex is here

I'm so desperate to get my finances in order, I have even applied to another school bus company in hopes they can hire me on a temporary basis. I'm not sure it will work out as it's in another state plus I already technically have 2 jobs, but I figure it's worth a shot.

Speaking of finding happiness....I am lucky though, just as things were falling apart a friend of mine became closer. He keeps me laughing and smiling and takes my mind off of everything else. I can talk to him about anything and everything. It's a nice bright part of my day. I am hoping that things will work out. (Just for the record, this friendship has nothing at all to do with the decline of the marriage, that was happening before this friendship progressed!)


I need to just be patient and not rush into any major decisions. I need to just take each day as it comes and let things fall into place as they were meant to be. It's so much easier to sit here and type that than it is to actually follow it in real life, but I have to try! I really hope to find happiness this year and get on living my life as a better, happier person.

2013

It has been an interesting year. Started out normal. Nothing special, just another year, month, week, day. I was struggling with medication changes. Kalikat was still alive and pooping everywhere, but giving lots of love. I miss her, even though I hated the mess I was constantly cleaning up.

It was winter, then it was spring. I was very happy to be back on my Vespa which was all fixed up from the fall over and the transmission. My poor Geo Metro was neglected. I was working a decent schedule at COAST.

Summer came and with that I got to go on an amazing trip to England with my mom. It was awesome. I got to see my aunt, uncle, other uncle, Grandpa, plus all the beautiful scenery. My mom showed me where she grew up. It was amazing.

I got hired with the one company I really wanted to work for on the Seacoast. Unfortunately, it is only a temporary position, but it means I am in the door, so I will just wait and do my best until I can get a "full time" job there with amazing benefits. It also means I am behind the wheel of school buses again,, which is where I am happiest!

I had to say goodbye to Kali, but hello to sweet Oliver. Oliver has been an awesome addition to Hobo and I's life. He is a great companion and a great playmate.

This last month has been crazy and weird. Things changed rapidly. The marriage kind of fell apart. There is just not enough romantic feelings to make it work. Nothing is official yet, it's complicated. But either way, we are better off as friends than a couple.

With the upcoming year my goal is to find happiness. I have spent too much time being miserable. Life is short. I am looking forward to what may come in the next year.

Not so Merry Christmas This Year

The Christmas season  is supposed to be filled with happiness and joy. Not really sure why other than its complicated and personal, but this year all I know is I am no longer happy. It's just no good. But, such is life. We make decisions, we move on, continually searching for what it is that truly makes us happy, hoping one day to find it.

I saw a bumper sticker once that kind of sums up how I feel about life: Do What you Like, Like what you do. I know I have that feeling when I am behind the wheel of a school bus, but I would like to have all aspects of my life be like that.

Life is short, you don't know when you will leave . It is so important to find what makes you happy, and avoid unhappiness as much as possible. I know there will always be some disappointment and sadness, that's all just part of the a normal life cycle, but I try to minimize that.

I hate that I live with so many regrets, although I guess if I didn't make the decisions I did, then I wouldn't be where I am today with the potential to get the job I really want, and have met the people I have met. It's hard to see that sometimes when you are just going through the motions of day to day life.

Right now, I am wishing that my perfectly realistic fantasy would come true. Lets hope the upcoming year will bring me more happiness and what I am looking for.

Stocking was stuffed!!!

I do have to say, the presents were very nice this year. :-) Those were a bright patch of light to an otherwise boring day. I also had a nice Christmas Eve breakfast with a friend that was nice. I don't get to go out all that often other than to work or the store, so that was a welcome change. :-)

I was especially excited about the Greys Season 9 DVD, the trunk pull for my Fiat, the sewing machine (now, to find out how to use it!), and the Jurassic Park Trilogy on BluRay.

I got my 4th Rainbow loom as well which is pretty cool. Came in handy when I made a lanyard for my work ID!

Under the Tree!

Thanksgiving 2013

Hobo

Every year it seems I struggle to find what I am truly thankful for. I mean, I am lucky I am able to work, have a job, I can walk, I can breathe, I have a roof over my head, etc;

This year, I am most thankful for my cats. My Hobo cat is a wonderful, fun, adorable ball of fluff. He makes me smile. We were lucky enough to adopt a wonderful cat we named Oliver last week from Cocheco Valley Humane Society. He is 5, which is perfect as Hobo is 4. They are getting along fabulously! It is so nice to have two cats who seem to enjoy each other's company. They definitely brighten my day. It is impossible to be miserable while interacting with these two handsome boys!

I am also very happy to be back employed by a school district driving school buses again! Although I am technically a temp, I have my foot in the door for the one local bus company I really really want to work for. I am hoping by next year there is a full time position open.

Lets hope next Thanksgiving will bring about a happier entry. 

Paper Anniversary

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest. My husband and I managed to survive it and stay together. There were definitely ups and a lot more downs, but we made it. Normally a anniversary post would be filled with mushy saccharin sweet sentiments...but then it wouldn't be me!

The biggest "up" is that we decided in July to try to have a baby. So far things have been unsuccessful, but it's only 3 months, "they" say not to worry until a year passes. If you know me, you know I am impatient, and like immediate results! Luckily, I have relaxed a bit as stress is a major factor. Also, if you know me, you know how insanely opposite this whole baby thing is. For years and years I have been adamant in how I do not want kids, ever, period. I have cursed my uterus for years, wanting to do anything to end the monthly cycle of torture. And now, I want a baby. No reason. Nothing obvious changed. All that happened was there was a scare, and we realized, hey, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing! Weird, but very exciting.

In other aspects of my life, I am finally a school bus driver again! I am so thrilled, I got hired as a temp at the district I most wanted to be in! They are owned by the district which makes for a great working environment. There is almost no employee turnover, so just to have my foot in the door is awesome. I am hoping that a "full time" position opens up soon. I am still employed by the city transit bus company as well, which will work out nicely for days off and school vacations.

Anyways, back to the anniversary. My husband "kidnapped" me, not telling me where we were going or what we were doing. That actual works nicely, that way I can't come up with an excuse not to!

It turned out to be a perfect fall day. He took me to Ikea, which is one of my favorite stores, and we ate lunch there. I love the Swedish Meatballs! Ligonberry juice is yummy too. After lunch, we headed to the Franklin Park Zoo. We have been wanting to go there for a while now, but we just never got around to it.

It was great! I loved all the animals, but my favorite was the Jaguar. He was so beautiful! All the big cats were cool. I was disappointed that the giraffes weren't out, I'm not sure if they can't handle the cold. Some other birds were not out either, but the tradeoff of perfect cool temps was worth it!

After the zoo, we went to the Container Store to kill some time before dinner and found a perfect microwave stand, and it was on sale! We were able to customize it for the size we needed. The best part is that it freed up a huge section of counter in our very space-limited apartment kitchen.

Dinner was amazing, P.F. Changs. If you have never been there, you have to try the lettuce wraps! They are absolutely amazing! It's heaven wrapped in an iceberg lettuce leaf. I personally like the tofu variety, but I'm sure the chicken ones are excellent too.

It was a beautiful day!

For a gift, he gave me a Double Wrap leather Pandora bracelet with a Vespa and London Double Decker Bus charm.

10 years flew by....

Now and Then

I went to my 10 year high school reunion on Saturday evening. It was a nice simple occasion at a local Concord restaurant (The Red Blazer). Overall it was a good experience, I wish there had been some real food rather than appetizers I don't care for...but I guess there is a serious problem with how the school board handles the class's money, so I am happy there was food at all.

It was so nice to catch up with some friends I only ever talk to on Facebook. Face to face time is so much better lol.

I am fairly satisfied with where I am in life. I am happily married, we are planning to have a baby, I love my job, my husband is the main provider. It's perfect. I definitely did not see myself becoming a career bus driver after graduating....as it says in my yearbook I was interested in attending college to become a teacher. The most important thing is that I love what I do.

Attendees of the Reunion (not my pic, Stolen from Kate W's Facebook)

If I could go back and do high school again, I would have taken the Auto vocational program and upon graduating went to the Heavy Construction Academy and gone into construction. Oh well, hindsight is always 20/20 and if I didn't take the path I did, then I wouldn't necessarily be in this situation. As I said before, life is pretty decent right now.

Been a tough week

It's only Wednesday, but it has been a tough week already.

On Monday morning, I went out to my car to go to work and found my radio faceplate had been stolen. They had ripped the bezel off the dash, which was completely unnecessary, as the faceplate just comes off. Luckily the damage was minimal. I did use the opportunity to change the bulb that has been out for a couple years. To prevent further damage, I removed the radio in it's entirety. Today, I did read an article that a Scumersworth, I mean Somersworth, man was arrested for a string of theft. I am hoping they recover my radio faceplate.

Monday evening I notice my cat is really not feeling well. She was not being herself and wouldn't even touch her favorite food. I know its time. She has been struggling with what the vet thinks is intestinal cancer for over a year and a half. When she first came to my apartment from my parents, she was only given a month or so to live, so the fact she is still alive this long was a miracle. We were able to provide her a comfortable, happy place to spend her last year.

Tuesday I had to bring my car in for service which was uneventful. But then I had to take my cat to the vet for her final visit. Definitely not on my list of things I enjoy doing. I miss her so much already, it is weird her not being there. I am surprised at how much I used to check on her, as I go to now, and shes not there. :-( It is so hard to lose a pet, they are a member of the family. She was a member of my family for 16 years. Its not easy to say goodbye. She is now with her surrogate mom cat, Tiger, and feeling no pain.

As if that wasn't hard enough, I was dreading having to get up early to go to work Wednesday to do a shift I really don't like as I have to do the same loop 4 times in a row. I almost called out as I felt like crap last night, but I didn't. I figured staying busy and away from the apartment was a good plan. So I got up, got dressed, went to work. I checked to see what bus I was assigned, only to see my name not on the list. WTF? So I looked at the schedule $#!% I am doing the shift tomorrow, not today. Epic fail.

As my week has had such an awesome (not) start, just wondering how much better it can get...

England June 11-19 2013 Trip (long post!)

I have been really bad about neglecting my blog lately. I am currently working to establish a "business" making cat toys that I will sell on Etsy. You can keep up to date on HoboCat Creations by following the link to the Facebook page. @HoboCatCreation is also on Twitter. Right now the Etsy page is not set up as I have not completed product development and testing. There will be more to come in the next couple weeks, so stay tuned!

Part of the reason for neglect is I spent a week in England with my mom. It was a trip we were planning for a couple years now. The first time we were going to go, the Royals decided to get married. The next timeframe was the Olympics, which would have made travel a nightmare. So finally we were able to go this month, and I was able to get the time off from work. (Have I mentioned how much I love my job, I'm part time, and been there a year and a half and have over 60 hours of paid time off?)

We took C&J Buses to Logan from Dover. What an awesome way to get to the airport or Boston! Leave the driving to someone else! I would recommend anyone traveling in the area to take them. They have a very well maintained fleet of new or recently renewed buses as well as very professional drivers. Did I mention the terminals are very nice and have great bathrooms?

Had a lousy flight to London Heathrow....crowded, turbulence, not to mention it was overnight. The landing was the worst thing I had ever experienced, it was extremely windy when we touched down. I was very happy to be on the ground again. I am not a very good flier. Solid ground works for me! An freakishly easy trip through customs and baggage claim got us on our "taxi" to my Aunt's house. My grandpa is awesome and hired a car for us to go straight from the airport to my Aunt's. The funny thing was even though I had not slept since 7am the previous morning, I never felt any jet lag or any challenges adjusting to the 5 hour time difference. When we landed it felt like 6am in the morning!

At my Aunt's we took it easy. Decided to go to a nearby town, Thornbury, to get some groceries as I am very picky about breakfast and non-alcholic drinks. Tesco, the supermarket, was awesome. Well, it was just an everyday grocery store to the locals, but to an English food loving American it was heaven! There were so many things I wanted to bring with me, like sausages, all the HP sauce in the country, all the Cadbury everything, so many of the almond flavored snack cakes!

Thornbury

We spent the rest of the day relaxing and socializing with my Aunt and Uncle and their wonderful dog Toffee. My grandpa came over and I got to spend some time with him. It was really nice.

I went to bed early as I was exhausted.

Old and New in Leeds

The next day we caught a train (like Amtrak) to Leeds. Leeds was an area my mom spent quite a bit of her time in when she lived in England. I was expecting a quaint town like the one pictured in Thornbury...just a bit bigger. I was in for a surprise. Leeds was a busy city, I would compare it to a larger Manchester, but with even more history. It was amazing to see the old and the new combine. Buildings over there are considerably older than anything you can imagine over here in the USA. Next to these amazing ancient buildings are new, modern structures.

Creepy Underground Tunnel thing...it felt like
something out of a vampire movie!

Just getting to the hotel was an adventure. You had to go underground, underneath the train station and other buildings. I'm sure there were surface roads to get you there, but they definately were not practical for you to walk on. I much prefer the shortest route, even if you go through a creepy underground tunnel like thing...

The hotel was very nice, a Hilton DoubleTree. I would love to stay there again! Instead of a crappy TV,  there was a iMac, which was both your TV and a very nice computer. Of course, I am a Mac person. I went to type on it, only to realize the keyboard was laid out differently! Sure, the letters were in the same place, but the Shift and Enter were different sizes, as well as no #! How was I going to tweet?! I know, the problems of living in the first world!

British Mac Keyboard Layout

We explored Leeds, met up with my mom's cousin, a super nice lady. We went to a cemetery that has special significance to my family. It was very different than any cemetery in the USA....there was something lacking; gravestones! Instead, they had plaques that lined the curbing, and above the plaque in the grass, families could have a vase on a spike that holds flowers. The plaques only stay for 25 years unless the family renews them. I was upset by this, as I think it should be forever. I was told it was due to a sheer space issue. England is a very old,  high populated physically small country.

The next day we took a train to York. York was my favorite desination we went to on the entire trip. It was a perfect old city. It reminded me a bit of Portsmouth, NH, just larger, with more stuff. Very historic and beautiful.

Inside view of the museum

 The first stop was the National Railway Museum. I was very excited to go here as I love almost anything transportation related (except actually flying in the airplane!). It was a very well laid out museum. Lots and lots of train engines on display as well as very interestingly informative displays. Definately not a boring museum! They even had the Royal train cars.

When we left the museum, we went downtown. (Why does the Lady Antebellum song pop in my head on writing that sentence?). What a perfect place. It was designed to be a walking city, ok, well I guess when the city was developed they hardly had horse and cart, much less cars! Anyways, it made a perfect destination.

The Shambles

My favorite area was the Shambles. When my mom mentioned it for some reason I was thinking ancient building ruins, no idea why, that was just my weird thought process.  With that in my mind, I was not overly excited to visit. But then I saw what the Shambles was.....an absolutely perfect little shopping area. The stores were very nice....everything from tacky souvenirs to specialty shops, such as my favorite The Cat Gallery. If you know me in person, you know I am a crazy cat lady, so this shop was right up my alley.

http://www.thecatgallery.co.uk

The next time I go, I will be doing the cat scavenger hunt from the York Glass shop.


York was the most exhausted I had been in a long time. We spent the entire day on our feet, which once again, if you know me, is not something I do on a regular basis! It was probably a good thing, as the majority of the food I consumed was not healthy by any means!

The next day we headed back to Bristol to my Aunt's for some much needed rest and relaxation. It was a welcome break from the past few hectic days. I'm so glad my mom is so excellent at trip planning!

We visited the city of Bristol. It was a very nice city. Not too big, but not tiny. Once again it was an amazing mix of new and old. My Aunt and Uncle gave us a tour. My favorite place was this gorgeous suspension bridge. I do not recall the name of it, but it was beautiful.

Sunday we headed to Gloucester. We were meeting my Grandpa for lunch as it was Father's Day. It was so nice to spend more time with him. He is such a nice person, and freaking awesome. Did I mention he drives a Porsche Carrera S, as a daily driver, and he is 90 years old? Yup, definitely the coolest Grandpa ever. He has finally downgraded from a Ducati 999 to a Suzuki GSXR to a 125cc Honda scooter, but just within the past couple years....Crazy!

After lunch we went to the outlets. Didn't find anything special other than the Cadbury outlet, but it was still a good time. There were American brands like Gap. It was amazing how the prices in pounds were the same as you would expect in dollars, but you need to remember it took $1.69 or so to buy 1 pound, so things were nearly twice the price as they are in America.

The rest of the day was spent relaxing and spending time with my Aunt and Uncle as the next day we went back into hectic tourist mode in London.

London was amazing. It is so much more enjoyable than Boston or NYC. It's cleaner. The people are nicer. There is so much more history. The first day we took a sightseeing double decker bus tour. It was a way to see all the sites while staying seated. The only downside was the fact that I am partially deaf and wear hearing aids, which does not work for headphone audio tours. Luckily the first bus we rode had a live tour guide. We could have waited later for another bus after we went on the river cruise.  with a live guide, but that section wasn't as exciting.

We did the stereotypical tourist thing. Lots of photos of the main attractions. I had gone on the London Eye in 2000, so we didn't do that again, nor could I as I am terrified of heights. In 2000 I was only 15, so it wasn't as bad.

Partway though the bus tour, we got off the bus and went to the Thames river shoreline to board a sightseeing river cruise. It was a great way to really see the sights along the waterfront.

As most people did the boat tour the opposite direction, it was relatively quiet and we got a good seat.

It was amazing listening to some of the ages of the buildings that were pointed out. We saw a structure called Cleopatra's Needle that was 3000 years old. That is just not a number i can wrap my head around. That was 1000 BC! It is so strange to think of something being around before Jesus, yet still standing. Insanity. There was a pub that was around when Shakespeare was alive. I can kinda deal with the 200ish years old of the historic buildings in NH....you get much past that and it is too much to think about. In York, we went to a Viking museum....there was an actual dig from a Viking village that was there. The history surrounds you when you are in London and everywhere else in the UK.

After another exhausting day, we met up with my other uncle. It was awesome. I now know where I got my collecting of automobiles from....he has several cars and even more motorcycles. I was excited to know he even rides a Piaggio scooter! Scooters are the ideal transport in London. I would not want to drive a car, plus they have extra taxes if you drive into the city. Motorcycles can filter up through traffic as well, so you don't get stuck in the same traffic jams. He was awesome to talk to.

The next day was our last in the UK. We did more London tourist stuff. I got to see the Royal Mews, which is where the Royal horses and carriages are kept. Unfortunately, most of the horses were away at Ascot. It was still very cool learning about the history.

After the Mews we went to Westminster Abbey. I was surprised by what was inside. All I was expecting was a grand church like place...but it was full of tombs of Kings and Queens and many other people. It was amazing to think how it was made back before any of today's technology. It was all carved by hand, transported by horses, built by hand. It was some amazing architecture. And to think of the coronations and weddings and history that happened inside those walls. Awesome.

Then came the place I was looking forward to most; the London Transport Museum. It was even more fascinating than I imagined. It went from the days of horse and car to the modern machinery that is carving out under London expanding the Underground subway system. Of course, the buses were what I was there for. They did not disappoint. There were the original electric trolley like buses, the traditional Routemaster double deckers and even a modern bus that had been cut to become a display.

Although the buses were my main interest, I was excited to learn about how the Underground was made. Before I came to the museum, that was one of the questions in my mind. How did they dig underneath an existing city all those years ago? The answer was by hand. Literally. Men used tools and manually chiseled and dug out the tunnels. Now, a huge machine bores though the Earth like nothing, leaving a concrete tube in its wake. Amazing. It used to be run with steam engines, and now with electricity. There were cool simulators that put you in charge of the subway car. Wow, that was confusing! I'll be sticking with buses!

After the museum, we went to Oxford Street shopping. I finished off the rest of the money I brought with me. Then it was dinner time. We had to be up early to be on the first bus to the airport.

Did I mention that I love HP sauce and in the UK it is as common a condiment as ketchup is in the USA? I think I ate the total of an entire bottle in the week I spent there. I used to make fun of my hubby and his love for ketchup...well that had nothing on my addiction to HP sauce!

It was an amazing trip. I am so glad I got to go with my mom. I learned a lot about her life before she met my dad, and got to do so many fun things. I cannot wait to go back and have even more amazing experiences.

Obligatory New Year Post

As is written all over everyone's Facebook page, Happy New Year! With that being said, now is the time for the expected year end review and preview of upcoming events.

2012. It should have been the best year ever. I got a dream car in Dec 2011. I had a wedding coming up in October 2012. I started the year with 2 jobs I enjoyed most of the time. Yup, definitely should have been an amazing year. Sadly, it didn't turn out that way due to my awesome brain chemistry being off. I spent a good portion of the year being miserable and sad and moody.

I lost my job driving school bus and was not told the reason behind it, although I have my suspicions that Facebook played a part in it which is beyond wrong as I was always an excellent employee and did my job better than a lot of the other drivers there. What happens outside of work should not play any part in my job, especially as it was never ever shown to affect my job. Of course, it didn't help my bosses boss didn't like me because I wouldn't work in Maine. Anyways, it really sucks because I do love driving school buses. It did teach me that I should have stuck to my original plan of no coworkers on Facebook.

My dream car has turned out ok, except the windshield cracked after a storm due to weird temperature changes. And now it has some serious issues with moisture on the interior, which I am not sure if it is related to the windshield or a more significant problem. I am now completely paranoid my windshield channel is rotting away as I speak. However, I cannot replace the windshield until inspection because I have extremely bad luck with windshields and if I fix it now, it will be cracked again before inspection and I definitely do not have the money to replace it twice (and no, I  do not get free windshields through my insurance, so stop asking! I went through 2 or 3 on my Liberty). Other than this issue, my Fiat is a blast to drive. I will love it again once these problems are fixed.

The wedding. That should have been the happiest time of my life. Most every girl dreams of their wedding day. Once again, due to my awesomely horrible brain chemistry and hormone levels, it was not nearly as romantic and awesome as it should have been if I had been not suffering from severe depression. Don't get me wrong, I have an awesome husband and I do not regret marrying him or anything at all like that, I just wish I had been a hell of a lot happier, romantic, and nicer to be around.

I finally got the guinea pig I have been wanting for years since my first one died. At first it was great. She is really the sweetest piggy you could ask for. But lately the smell has been getting to me. With my change in medication I have been very nauseous and sensitive to smell. Ben says that she doesn't smell, but I can't stand it. Makes me soooo nauseous, even right after cleaning her cage with all fresh clean supplies. Now I don't know what to do. I can't deal with the smell.

I find a new fun thing to do, ride my Vespa. Of course, I found out it has some damage to the shaft connecting the engine to the transmission, and it fell over a few weeks after I bought it and scratched the paint. It is spending the winter at the body shop then the place I bought it. In the end, hopefully it will be like new and treat me well this upcoming season.

Yeah, so 2012 was not so good. All the good stuff was overshadowed by the bad stuff.

2013. Not starting out so well. The new schedule at work is really leaving me short on hours. I do ok with 20 hours a week, but right now, I have 8, and there are very limited available routes that I can cover because if it starts too early I fall asleep behind the wheel, and due to his hours, I can't be working late either.

I am struggling with a switch in my medication. The withdrawal and side effects are kicking my ass right now. I am hoping it will be all worth it and I can get back to being happy.

Hopefully things will get better and i can actually have positive entries.