I'll cry if I want to...

Some say turning 30 is a big deal. It's the start of a new decade of your life. You have officially been an adult for 10 years. I fail to see the significance. Age is just a number to me. It means nothing. Supposedly these are the best years of my life.

Part of my life is going great. I have an amazing boyfriend who always makes me laugh even when I don't want to and has been extremely supportive throughout this awful time in my life. We have a beautiful little mobile home that we are slowly making our own. I wouldn't trade him or our life together for anything.

The rest of my life is not, and runs the risk of jeopardizing the only thing going well. He deserves so much better, someone who can keep up.

Ninety nine point nine percent of mornings when I wake up, I feel like crap. The Idiopathic Hypersomnia causes me to never feel rested, no matter how I much or how long I sleep. I get dizzy randomly for no apparent reason. Don't even get me started with my digestive system. If I don't eat regularly, I get either crazy angry or weak and shaky. Everyone else I know has no problem if they skip a meal once in a while. Of course, when I go to the doctor, all my test results are normal. I even made a real effort to start exercising. No improvement. On paper I am technically healthy, so why the *explicative* don't I feel it?

I am terrified as I feel so awful all the time that I will never be able to enjoy life; that feeling so awful day in and day out will never improve. I was hoping finally getting a diagnosis would help get me back on track, but the medication causes just as many problems as it solves. Is it better to be tired and sleepy all the time or dizzy and anxious?  I can't live with either of those. I want to function.

I'm trying to find a job. I want to be able to pay off my debt, contribute my share to the household, and be a productive member of society. I don't want to be a leech. The job search is going awful. There are plenty of local jobs I've applied to, but they always want someone with experience. Who's going to hire someone who used to drive a school bus and had to stop because they have a medical condition?

I just want to have more days where I feel good than days I feel bad. Is that really too much to ask? I can't keep going on like this. I don't know what to do anymore. Lately all I feel like doing is crying, but that won't solve anything either.

:'(