Temporary Hiatus

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much. Unfortunately, all this medical stuff is catching up with me and making even everyday tasks challenging. I have been on what seems to be a steady decline for the past year or so.

Turns out I have a bulging disc in my neck, which makes is very painful to sit for more than a short time (like 15 minutes...) especially to type on a computer, so blogging regularly has been kind of out of the question. I attempted physical therapy, but even they are at a loss of what to do with me. The medications the doctors tried seem to have no effect, I get better results from a combo of Tylenol/Advil. Unfortunately, my insurance doesn't like to cover medications either, so it really limits what the doctors are able to do for me.

It just sucks being "30" and being unable to do much of anything. I hate being a burden. I hate not having the energy to do even normal activities. I try to do things, but it just wipes me out so much it takes the next day to recover. I hate being broke all the time. This is not the sort of life I imagined myself living.

Everybody hurts, don't they?

I'm talking physical pain here, not mental anguish or anything like that. 

Seriously, up until a couple weeks ago, I thought that it was completely normal to wake up in the morning stiff and sore and with at least one body part hurting. I can't blame my mattress, I have one of those fancy memory foam ones that is supposed to take away pain, not cause it. It's not a cheap one either.

For as long as I can remember, I have physically hurt in some way or another. I wake up with a lot of muscle soreness and often a feeling of weakness, like when you overdo it or do something that uses new muscles, yet I don't do anything different usually to cause it. Getting out of bed I am like a Rice Krispie, snap, crackle, pop!

I always thought pain was just a part of life, that everybody hurts on a daily basis. That everybody hurts when they have to stand for more than a few minutes, regardless of their shoe style. That everyone hurts sitting at a desk. But I guess I was tragically mistaken.

I recently found out that it is not normal for everyone to hurt all the time, or while doing daily activities of life. Really? I would love to know what that feels like, to not be in pain. Right now as I type this, there is a pulling pain in my neck, my hips are sore from sitting (I've been on the reclining sofa for about 1/2 hour),  my eyes are itchy, and I'm struggling to keep my eyes open...this is completely normal for me. Everyday is like this. No matter what I do. God forbid I do something different like go to an event with a lot of walking, demo ride a motorcycle, or go horseback riding or anything like that I may enjoy, by bedtime I am so incredibly stiff I can't move a muscle without pain! The next morning, forget about it, I am in near agony. I still try and do things I enjoy even though I will pay for it later as I don't want to miss out on too much of life.

Over the years, I tried to ignore it, putting it off as normal aches and pains of living. Once in a while something would be unusually sore, but there was often a reasonable explanation, like doing a new activity that may use different muscles. But recently, things have been unusually sore without a reasonable explanation. I just wake up hurting. There is a legitimate cause for the neck/shoulder/upper back pain due to a bulging disc in my cervical spine. However, the rest remains a mystery. There is no reason for me to be sore and hurting daily. I'm only 30 for goodness sake!

I haven't even mentioned the sudden, random, stabbing pain that comes out of no where and can strike any part of my body. It is a sharp burning radiating sort of pain that lasts anywhere from seconds to minutes. Then it goes away just as quickly as it came.

I guess my epiphany came when I asked my boyfriend, who is several (well, a few more than several) years older than me about how he feels on a daily basis. He is a very hard working diesel mechanic who is always on his feet on a concrete floor, and he does not have any pain from it. If I visit him and stand on that floor for a few minutes, the pain and pressure in my feet and legs is extremely uncomfortable, I always find a place to sit down. I can wear sneakers, work boots, Toms, doesn't matter, same results.

I just wish I could know what it feels like to wake up refreshed, pain free, and ready to start the day.

Unplugged

Purple Dot is about where we live, 

Blue Dot is Pittsburg.

I was very lucky to be able to getaway for a perfect, unplugged 4th of July weekend. Yes, I realize it is now 10 days later....but better late than never I guess?

My boyfriend and I literally got away from it all. We went up to Pittsburg, NH. For those of you not familiar with New Hampshire, Pittsburg it at the very top of the state, about 200 miles from where we live, and right at the Canadian border.

There is almost no cell service, and very few wifi spots. I was worried about that at first, as I am ALWAYS on either Facebook or Instagram if I am not doing anything else. But you know what? I didn't miss it. Not even for a minute. Spending time with the one I love was so much more fun!

We stayed at a cute little motel/cabin place called The Buck Rub Pub. The room was very nice, loved the country cabin look! My only complaint was the awful water, they definitely needed a water softener!   The restaurant was delicious too and excellent, friendly staff! So nice to have that right there within walking distance, plus you got a discount off food if you were staying in the cabins.

Rouger trail, so fun!

So what do you do to spend your days in the middle of no where? Drive around! Well, there are TONS of ATV trails, and hiking, and the lakes; we don't have ATVs, I can't hike very long, and it was chilly to be in the water! We went exploring. There are tons of very well kept dirt logging roads (which were actually smoother than many paved back roads....). The scenic vistas you come across are absolutely breathtaking! The one in the panoramic image is called "Top of the World" and you literally felt like that standing there. The picture doesn't do the beauty justice.

My favorite part of of the trip was seeing a moose!!!! My boyfriend's son has a camper in Pittsburg and he told us that he would often see moose around 2-5 in the afternoon, so we headed up Moose Alley. Before we got too far, we saw a car pulled over on the side of the road in front of an opening. And there it was. A GORGEOUS moose in the flesh! I took a ton of photos!

You can see an entire album with more scenic vistas, moose pics, etc here.

The sandpit.
A sturdy backstop is important

Another fun activity to do is go shooting. Yes, as in a real gun. There are these amazing sand pits where everyone goes to shoot. The best one was taken, of course, but this one worked fine. I had never been before. I have always been afraid of the recoil and the noise. But I decided to suck it up and try. My boyfriend is a nearly 20 year veteran of teaching hunter safety in NH, so he is the perfect instructor. He brought a .22 caliber rifle which is just the right size to learn on. To me it's the right size period lol. Even that comparatively "tiny" bullet has deadly force, so why do I need anything more? I couldn't believe how heavy it was, although I probably should say I can't believe how weak I am...5 shots was about my limit before taking a break!  I started with paper targets, but then we quickly moved on to the fun stuff! I had been saving water and soda bottles which I then filled with water. It was fun shooting at the bottles. I did ok, I actually hit them, as you can see in the pic I posted. )

Bullet hole and festive nails!

After we were done, we were responsible adults and picked up all of our trash. Luckily it seems most people do, but I did see the remnants of a laptop...how fun would that be? Go all Office Space on an old computer?! The cleanup would totally be worth the satisfaction of murdering technology!

Speaking of technology, the only time I bothered to even look on my phone was while he was in the shower as we had just enough 3G signal. It felt so good to be unplugged.

 Oh yeah, on the way home, we saw ANOTHER MOOSE!!!!!!!! The perfect ending to a perfect trip!

Stress, stress, and more stress

Due to losing my job for medical reasons I'm having a very hard time finding something that I can safely commit to as far as a new job. Ideally, I need a work at home job, or a very part time office job very close to home.  Although I am trying to work with vocational rehab (helps people who can no longer work in their field of expertise find new work), it is an extremely slow process. I have to have a neuropsych evaluation to see what I can actually do, but that was over a month wait to get an appointment. Ugh.

I am not usually the type of person to stress out. Stressing out really doesn't accomplish anything except making you feel worse. But when it comes to finances, I stress. Big time. I have contacted my credit card companies to try and work with them as far as attempting to pay my bills, however because I don't have a steady source of income, they won't talk or do anything to help. It's awful. I have worked so hard to always pay my bills on time, and now, that is physically impossible. I am literally draining my accounts to be able to keep my car one more month. I am so lost as to what to do. The fact the banks won't even accept partial payment is beyond me! They want all or nothing. It's ridiculous! I hate how everything has turned into huge corporations with no heart. I'm sure if it was a small local establishment, they would see my history of excellent, timely payments and understand that things happen.

On a happier note, I get to go on a mini vacation with my boyfriend. Nothing fancy, but it will be a welcome break from all this. For once, I will be unplugged from social media for a few days and focusing on enjoying quality time with my boyfriend and exploring this beautiful state we live in. Hopefully I can forget about my troubles and just enjoy life for a few days.

So What if I'm an Adult?

My First Breyers

If you follow me on any form of social media you've noticed I've been posting A LOT about Breyer Model Horses.

Traditional and Classic Sized
Collection

What is a Breyer Model Horse? To most people, they are expensive plastic horses, ranging from $3 to  thousands depending on the rarity, size, collectibility etc. I am not sure what drew me to Breyer. I was given a Desert Arabian Family from my parents when I was 7 or so as a gift (pictured to the left). My collection has expanded since then; currently I have 220. Oops. Just calculated that number from my spreadsheet that contains every model. Only thing it is missing is pictures, as I haven't gotten around to that yet.

Stablemate Collection

As you can see my collection is quite extensive. The scary thing is I got rid of over 50 models in May when I attended my first model horse show. I had never been to one before and was curious what was involved. It was a cool experience, but I don't think it's for me. I just don't have the time or money to invest in it.

Examples of my props

Breyer hosts an annual event called Breyerfest at the Kentucky Horse Park, and it is on my bucket list to attend. Ever since I found out about it as a child, I have wanted to go. Each year has a different theme, and there are special events, special run models, guest real horses, performances, plus it takes place at the Kentucky Horse park. It sounds like heaven. I guess it is like "nerds" and Comic Cons. Just my nerdy thing is plastic horses!

However, I have gotten into making scale model horse props. Jumps, stable accessories, custom blankets, and whatever else I can come up with. I design for both Breyers and Schleich. It is fun and I have learned a lot of new things, like woodworking. In a perfect world, I would be able to turn it into a little business. As work seems to elude me, and my health has been questionable of late, being able to stay home and do things at my own pace that I enjoy sounds like a dream. If I am having a bad day, I don't have to do anything. If I'm having a good day, let the creative juices flow!

I dunno what it is about these painted plastic ponies, but I just really enjoy them. So what if I'm an adult.

Day in the Life: Idiopathic Hypersomnia and Dizziness

I wanted to share with you what it is like to try and live with Idiopathic Hypersomnia and dizziness during a typical weekday day for me. Right now, I am unemployed and trying to figure out my future. I do have some medical evaluations that I am desperately hoping will help determine why the heck I am so dizzy, and determine exactly how severe my daily life is affected. 

How I describe what it feels like to have IH is to compare it to taking a sleeping pill or drowsy medication or stay up for over 24 hours and try to function. Add in the fact I often feel like the room is tipping to one side or the other, or often when I stand up I get lightheaded, often to the point of "blacking out" and losing my vision for a second, or just to the brink of that point. If I look around too much or at things that are moving, things start tipping. Although my heart has checked out ok so far, I have a rapid resting heart rate, and it skyrockets easily and often feels like it is pounding.  

More days than not I am dizzy. Sometimes lightheaded (like feeling like you are going to pass out), sometimes vertigo. I try to still get things done. Most days I don't want to drive. Unless I have an appointment I have to attend, I get nervous about driving just because I am dizzy or I just can't keep my eyes open anymore, at the same time I have struggled for years, so I know I am not actually a danger, and in my own car I can easily pull over. It's to the point 1/2 hour is intimidating, and an hour is very nerve-wracking. I just don't want to make a bad choice and hurt someone. Even going to the store has become a problem, just looking around shopping will make my dizziness intensify. Looking around makes me feel like the world is spinning very fast. I can easily become unbalanced and feel like I will tip over. I avoid aisles with fragile items, especially in antique shops. Forget about stair cases, especially ones that are open in a tight space. But if I am out and about, I try to get everything done in that one trip so I won't have to go at another time. 

Somedays, like today, I even have trouble focusing, not only my eyes focusing on the page, but my brain focusing on the task at hand. I forget why I went into a room, so I leave, remember,  go back to the room only to forget again!! I'll look up the date, sign a paper, then have to look the date up again for next sheet! From what I have read, it is called "brain fog" and is part of having IH. As I said, you can describe IH as how you feel if you stay up 24-48 hours in a row. I have never been drunk, but the slowed reaction times and forgetfulness and all can probably be compared to that as well. 

MY DAY

Between 7:00AM and 8:00AM- "Wake up" well, that's what is supposed to happen for most people. My eyes will open and I will be in a semi alert state. I sync my Fitbit Charge HR to see how I slept. Sometimes, I end up falling back asleep while it is doing that. Then I check my Timehop, Instagram feed, email, and Facebook, once again, sometimes falling back asleep. It is incredibly hard to keep my eyes open.  I am just as tired, if not moreso in the morning after a decent night's sleep as I am when I go to bed. I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be refreshed when I wake up. It has never happened in my entire life. Ever. 

I have had two overnight sleep studies, both showing absolutely no reason for me to not be rested. No apnea, no excessive movement. Nothing. Just a basically normal sleep pattern. 

9:00AM- To try and stay in a "healthy" routine, I force myself out of bed. I get up, make my iced coffee and take my medicine, which is a handful of vitamins, one I am deficient in, and several others that are supposed to help with energy and two prescriptions, one to try and make me happy, one to try and keep me awake for the day. Usually I sit down on the computer. Do a little job searching, follow up with any email, things like that while I have my coffee and let the wake-up meds kick in. 

10:00AM- Noon- I try to get on with the day and do something productive.   A couple weeks ago I was full out making model horse props in preparation for my first vendor experience (I will go into more detail in another post about that hobby of mine I'm trying to turn into a successful "business".) Yesterday I worked on a commission T-Shirt design for a friend (which btw came out great!). Somedays it's just chores around the house. I'm very slowly learning how to be a better housemate. Sadly, it took making a chore chart for myself and forcing myself to pay more attention to my surroundings. I have an awful tendency to not notice things until they become glaringly obvious, like chunks of cat fur on the carpet...or the strainer full of clean, dry dishes. 

Noonish: Lunch time. Usually a short text conversation with the boyfriend. The hardest thing is trying to decide what to eat. These days as I don't do a whole lot, I'm usually not hungry, but if I don't eat I will feel even worse. I will either turn into a super mega crazy bitch or become extremely weak and dizzy. 

1:00-4:00PM - I try to continue to do something productive, chores, work on my Etsy shop inventory,  do something, anything. My thought is if I can try to stay busy then maybe my symptoms won't be so noticeable. Nope. No such luck. Sometimes I just can't, especially when the dizziness is bad. I have to give up and sit on the couch and try to watch TV. By 3:00PM I am usually struggling to keep my eyes open. I try not to give in as if I were to take a nap, I just feel worse afterwards. Other times, I just have to close my eyes if I have any hope of continuing the day. I can at least reset the severe desire to close my eyes. 

4:00PM - 6:00PM - By now, the boyfriend is usually home. I am trying to be more open to leaving the house and going for a motorcycle ride (as a passenger!) or doing basically anything besides sitting on the couch and watching mindless TV. He is just not that kind of guy, and I don't blame him. But I have to struggle to do anything. At this point, all I feel like doing is laying down and sleeping. I am trying though, and I notice we are closer and happier. He shouldn't have to suffer from my condition as well and miss out on living. Luckily he does understand I have no control over how I am feeling, and has been really great as the severity has increased in the past year. 

6:00 to 8:00 PM - Usually my best time if I get to have a break from my symptoms. Happens maybe twice a week. The dizziness will subside, and I won't be falling asleep. It doesn't last long or happen too often, so it's a nice break. I guess it is closer to how a "normal" person feels? 

8:00-10:00 PM- Right back to the normal dizzy/sleepy feeling. Watching TV then it's bedtime. I usually have no trouble falling right to sleep. 

Then it's morning and the whole cycle of misery starts over again. 

This Whole NFL Deflategate Debacle

Let me start out by saying I am not a fan of professional sports (unless they are equestrian related). I hate baseball and basketball. I can tolerate football, but only NFL, and only because of the video game Madden 64 for teaching me how the game works. I live in NH, so the "home team" is the New England Patriots. 

As you all know at this point unless you have been living under a rock as it is all over the news, the Patriots were involved in a "scandal" about using deflated footballs in the playoffs. Supposedly, less air makes the ball easier to grip, I'm not sure, I know there were scientific studies done, because there aren;t more important things like cancer research that could be done...</sarcasm>. 

I was hoping it wasn't true, that a team as big and popular as the Patriots would not be cheaters. As it turns out, they were and the quarterback was aware of it. The quarterback that women seem to worship for some reason, I just don't see it, but whatever. To each their own. I know he is a very talented quarterback, and the fact that he cheated is despicable, when he has proven to have the skills to get the job done the right way. 

From my understanding of recent events, he was suspended without pay (boo hoo, not like he doesn't already have millions) for 4 games. Ok. That actually seems like a fitting punishment. He cheated, he was aware of the cheating, he deserves to be punished. I honestly would make him sit out the season, but that's just me. 

There is the graphic I posted to the left that shows other football players and their criminal charges. I realize in the grand scheme of things that cheating compared to physically hurting someone is a lot less severe in the grand scheme of things, but it is still wrong! Cheaters never win, well except in this case when they get some bragging rights, a pretty ring and a trophy...but as far as I know, the actual Super Bowl was played by the rules and was a good game. Had they not cheated in the playoffs, who knows? But they are a very talented team with skilled players, so they likely would have made it there anyways. 

My issue comes with where people are crying about how it's not fair that Brady was punished for cheating. HE CHEATED!

As for these other criminal players who have physically hurt another person or animal, they should not be allowed back into the NFL.

 I was driving the bus one day and the elementary kids were talking about football, there were only a couple left at the end of the route. One boy said that he thought Michael Vick was an awesome player. First, I had to ask if Michael Vick was currently playing, because I couldn't believe he would be allowed back after hurting those poor dogs. Then,  I had to put my two cents in and asked the boy if he knew what Michael Vick had done. I explained in a very simple sense that he had hurt dogs (this is elementary school mind you, so I didn't want to say too much). The boy said that was in the past and he thought that Michael Vick had a lot of skill on the football field, so I agreed to that, he may be a very talented player, but he is not a good person. Anyways, I was completely disgusted that Michael Vick was playing football again, making millions of dollars again after causing so much pain and suffering to those precious dogs. He should be in jail and never allowed in the NFL again. Sorry, that is just how I feel. He hurt helpless animals. 

The NFL needs to get their act together. So many young people look up to these "superhero" sports professionals as role models. They need to make sure that the punishment fits the crime. If a NFL player is convicted of any crime against a human or animal, they should never set foot on the field as a member of a team again. If they cheat, like Tom Brady did, then they should get a significant suspension, one that will hit them where it hurts, in their bank accounts. They should also have to talk to students about why what they did was a mistake. 

Let's hope some good comes from all this.