Ch Ch Changes

Things have been going very well in the new home. We are starting to make it our own. It's amazing what a coat of paint can do to make a room more homey. What's even cooler is we both picked out the same color without talking about it first, which made it nice and easy!

I have been in a mood to make changes to better my life. I have sold both my little Geo Metro Convertible and my Vespa Scooter. Now I just have my Fiat 500, which will likely be traded in for the automatic transmission version if my local dealer gets one in with the right specs (color!). I want to simplify things.

Since making this move, I have really cut down on a lot of the "stuff" that I had. My craft room really got pared down to mostly essentials, but could do with being pared down even more. That is one thing I am liking about the mobile home life, it's a smaller space, so it kind of forces you to make smarter decisions about what you bring into it. It definitely feels better to not feel like you are drowning in stuff!

I have even been reconsidering my career as a bus driver. I am completely fed up with the transit city buses, there are just too many crazies out there that the job just isn't fun, not to mention the fact the company I work for, I just don't fit in with. Not that fitting in is all that important, I want to go to work, not make friends, but still, I've just always felt like an outsider. However two good things did come out of my job there, one is my wonderful boyfriend, and the other was being able to get my air brake endorsement so I could be hired there.

As far as school buses, I finally am getting the full time job at the one district I want to work for, but I am not sure if I still want to do it. I would like to not have to worry every summer about not having any money and should I look for a part time summer job....However, the school bus driver life fits me fairly well, it is Monday through Friday, no late nights, I have time off mid day to get things done at home most of the time. I do enjoy driving school buses most of the time, which is helpful. I think I got worn out at the end of this school year, so I am not going to make any decisions until later. I'm kinda hoping to find something different for the summer to try out and see if it is something I like.

Invisible and broken

Somedays I feel invisible. It's like I don't even exist. I don't fit in anywhere. In conversations, I will say something and it is overlooked, someone else will say the EXACT SAME THING I just said, and it will get a reaction, whether a laugh or a continuation of the thought. I have noticed this a lot recently. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, or what is wrong with me that makes me just not exist. My opinion is never valued. It sucks and is very frustrating. There are times it would be nice to be included in the group conversation with everyone else at the table, not just ignored. A not so lovely example of my not-so-amazing invisibility powers is I stopped in at my other job to sign up for work. There was a dispatcher, a supervisor, and two drivers I walked past. Out of all those people, only ONE driver said hi. Shows what a friendly company I work for, but I feel like that so much of the time.

As well as invisible, I feel broken. I am so completely exhausted/sleepy/tired 99% of the time. I am only 29, that's not old by anyone but a kindergardener's standard, but I feel like I'm elderly. My parents are older than most parents of a kid my age, but they are super active. They unload a ton of wood pellets, take care of a horse everyday, can lift a hell of a lot more than I can, they can walk around all day and not be dead. I can't keep up with my mom, not even close. Most days I feel like crap. My boyfriend has been very encouraging in getting me to do more and hoping that as I do more I will feel better, but no change. I am trying so hard to be a more active person, but I just feel like I fail. Every day when I come home and it's "early" I feel guilty. I am wasting the day. Life is short, you never know what will happen, but yet all I feel like I can do is come home and sit on the couch and watch TV. I am too set in my ways that lunch is at noon, dinner is at 6-7pm, then after dinner is TV and then bed time....God forbid anything changes those times. It sucks. If he wants to go out on the motorcycle after work or just do basically anything but sit on the couch all afternoon/evening, why can't we? Once in a while, or on bad weather afternoons is one thing, but I am technically young, I should be out living life with him. I hate that I hold him back because he is so sweet and tries to make me happy so he'll stay in, but all I do is spend that time I know he wants to be doing something else being upset that I once again failed. It's not fair and I have no idea how to change it!?

I should be the happiest girl in the world right now, I have a perfect boyfriend who really does make me happy when I'm not feeling guilty that we are spending all our quality time doing nothing every day.  I am getting the job I have been wanting. I live in a perfect little house.

I just don't know what to do and how to fix me.