Sick of it all

I am sick of almost everything that life entails. I was seriously hoping this new relationship and new living situation would have made it better as it is exactly what I wanted, but no change. i'm just repeating the past and all my failures.

I hate my job during the summer. I hate going to work for just a few lousy hours on boring shifts. Once in a while it's nice cause some of the passengers really do like when I drive, but overall it sucks. I am far too anxious on other shifts about creepy dangerous people. I'm sick of seeing the scum that roam the streets, trying to get a free ride so they have more money for drugs. It's not fun.

I spend nearly every weekday sitting on the couch in front of the TV, watching DVRed shows or reruns of favorites. Of course, that may change soon as we are seriously thinking of cutting the cable, but that's another post for another day, but then I'll have more to watch. When he gets home from work I am still stuck just sitting there. He wants to actually live life and I just sit and rot. I've basically given up on life and being happy. It's just not in the cards for me I guess.

I am dreading going back to work in the fall. I don't want to spend the fuel to go back and forth and back and forth for split shifts. At the end of the year, I wasn't even enjoying that job, which makes the impending fall even less desirable. But what else can I do? What other job is going to give me the benefits, which once i get, I probably can't afford that big a hit on my paycheck, but I have to wait and see. I have no attachment to my coworkers. I am invisible to them anyways. Most of all, I don't want to give up being a lump on the couch.

I've felt like crap for weeks and weeks now. Probably into months. Just pure exhaustion despite how much or how little I sleep. I get plenty of dizzy spells and spells where I feel just plain weak, like I can't move. Don't even mention the sudden teenage onslaught of bad zits....

Remember how excited I was about the thought of getting my own motorcycle next year? Well, after how I've felt since then, it would be a giant waste of money. I'm lucky to have 1 day a week where I feel like I could safely ride. Why go to all that expense for a 1 full season, 2 partial seasons 1 day a week toy? Pretty pathetic. I'm 29 years old.

I do love my bf very much, but all I feel like I do is make him miserable (which he has never ever said! He's nothing but sweet and nice and kind to me) but inside I know he wants to live life, and at this point I am one step above wanting to die.

It sucks as I have everything I ever wanted. I have a perfect guy, a perfect house, 2 purrfect cats, the job I have wanted coming up, but yet I just can't be happy.

(Don't worry, I'm not going to end my life, cause I'd just fail at that too)